From my previous post, I'm sure you have gathered I have been a very happy Protestant- and Charismatic to boot too(latter not mentioned).
So why this sudden and radical change? I'm not sure if it is available still, but this profile has another blog- about my trip to my homeland- which I have never been to- Sri Lanka. It was a great time of experience and learning and also to grow in faith.
Whilst I was over there, I had a lot of time to pray and ask a lot of questions and I took it as an opportunity to try and fathom more concretely what I believed.
I am not quite sure how well I managed this end, however, what I do know for sure is that I had many more questions when I returned.
Somewhere along the lines- church as I knew it stopped making sense- and you must understand- in the last couple of years- I have only ever attended 2 churches properly- and I was very upset when I left, I had grown to consider these people a part of my extended family.
When I came to my new hospital, I was full on fire for Christ, I lived in Staff accommodation and I had grand plans for all the work I could do for him etc... and to an extent He allowed and blessed some of these endeavors.
I found it difficult to settle into a new Church- and the one I found at present, which came highly recommended by an old friend- I could not settle- and categorically this was very odd for me.
Somewhere this year, I started to read about Orthodoxy- another Christian on site, happened to be Orthodox- and oddly enough for that previous week, I somehow happened to be reading about Orthodoxy- I don't know why but I did- and this further discussion sparked my curiosity. The problem was the more I read and agreed, the more unhappy and disagreed I became.
Church just was no longer right, speaking to Jesus was no longer right- I had prayed time and time again for the Truth and for everything to be pulled apart and put together again and now that it was happening- I could not face it all.
I went into this research with an open mind- expecting to agree with some and disagree with others- I still disagree with a lot, but I never envisaged it meaning that I would ever consider leaving my kind of church!
Among all the pain and hurdles of these last months was the fact that I was not really sure what I believed in anymore. I was a spiritual and emotional mess. It took many a sleepless night, worry and agonizing prayer to get me through it.
I was comfortable and I was being shaken through and through and I did not like it.
The other thing which you could not imagine was the loneliness!
I made myself so, however, because I was angry with God and those first few weeks could have been easier if I just prayed more.
I felt alienated and could not speak to anyone about how I was feeling- and the massive spiritual hurdle I was going through. I know I have- and more often that not- quite correctly have- the reputation for being a bit of a 'know-it-all' Hermione Granger can seriously found herself challenged for that position in my worst moments.
The entire affair verged from being exhilarating to find something that resonated so right to embarrassing deeply troubling and confusing. I knew I was in a spiritual battle but God only knows which side was the correct one!
Eventually after much prayer, I slowly started to tell some close friends and the vicar at my last church. I think up-to-then, especially having read so many stories of people's old friends and congregation practically shunning them for thinking of Orthodoxy that I erroneously in my case felt something similar was also going to happen to me. I am under no illusion, that this will happen in the next few month and especially if I take the plunge and do decide to become Orthodox.
However, by God's grace, my closest friends have been nothing but supportive. At the time, I think it was very frustrating. A part of me wished, that someone would turn Protestant fundamentalist crazy and tell me why I was wrong and then I would leave it- and this did not happen. I prayed it each time, for the door to close if I was being led astray and people only seem to encourage me further.
I realize I have not begun to even answer my own question- Why Orthodoxy- it was a great deal of things. As a young Christian, I began to find the massive divisions present in the Protestant Church deeply frustrating. There was a deep divide between people who were liberal and conservative on important doctrinal issues- yet all these people claimed to read the Bible- all under the inspiration of the same Holy Spirit!
The Charismatic movement has shown me truly that God is powerful and very much still alive today. However, a huge part of me grew uneasy about the underlying notion of seeking 'power'in His name. There was also a huge amount of conning and downright heretical practices which were completely being accepted by congregations and elders together- which again put into doubt what on earth was going on!
I realized that my quest for 'Sound Doctrine' as mentioned in Scripture was non-existent.
I had bits and pieces- crumbs, but really I had not even began to taste the True Bread.
I have no illusion that I was ever going to find a perfect church. A wise friend once told- "The Church is made of lots of broken people, you need to be careful when you judge it, for you do not know all the hurt and pain people come with" - a truly Orthodox concept he unknowingly gave me. I kept that in mind always though and for a long time I was happy to accept that all those problems I was seeing was people flaws and sinful nature- and that church doctrine really was not so important to worry about.
Until the issue of Salvation came up-still seeking some sound doctrine about 'basic tennets of the faith' I began researching Salvation (seemed a good start after all) and what we believed about it. I then came across the massive divide between the Calvinist and Armenian Theologies. To say this rocked the boat- could not begin to describe what I felt. This was one of the few times in my life I really thought I was going to lose my faith. After much prayer, God really strongly speak into my heard- another long discussion and post ahead- but this was definitely my start, if I could pinpoint, to this journey.
All the questions that I had conveniently put to the back of my mind had come flooding back and I started asking questions again- which is how this whole journey started at all- God let me find Him when I started asking questions and trusting in His answers- and I trust that in this journey too, whatever He wishes me to learn in the way, He would do the same.
So far this Journey has been heart-wrenching- everything right down to how I was saved is being attacked from all sides. In a way, I am also deeply grieving, because I know I am taking a journey which means in a truly profound way leaving people I deeply care about. It means that whilst some friendships will be become stronger, others will shatter, and some will be made. It is also a very scary place, because I am taking a leap in faith, not knowing anything about what I am encountering, but truly trying to do do everything only for the Glory of Him that made me.
Sometimes when things get really tough, I trust in Him- in nothing else of His love for me. Even if I am categorically confused at times, I remember St Paul's words:
3 I thank my God upon every remembrance of you, 4 always in every prayer of mine making request for you all with joy, 5 for your fellowship in the gospel from the first day until now, 6 being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ; 7 just as it is right for me to think this of you all, because I have you in my heart, inasmuch as both in my chains and in the defense and confirmation of the gospel, you all are partakers with me of grace. 8 For God is my witness, how greatly I long for you all with the affection of Jesus Christ.
9 And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more in knowledge and all discernment, 10 that you may approve the things that are excellent, that you may be sincere and without offense till the day of Christ, 11 being filled with the fruits of righteousness which are by Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God.
(NKJV, Phillipians 1:3-11)
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